My year started by falling sick and the entire month passed by being on medication. Along with that, lately I have been feeling very low, sad, disappointed again. Everything and anything around me has made me feel sad and almost everyday caught myself crying on the smallest of reasons. I even fought and stopped talking to one of my goof friend to the extent of leaving my chat groups on whats app as well. This has even brought a halt on my new project since few days. There’s nothing which was bringing a smile on my face and in turn it’s obvious brought a lot of negativity in me and around me. Unhappy and on the verge of leading to depression I kept thinking why am I feeling like this all of a sudden. Kept thinking inspite of me being a practicing member of Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism and chanting for almost one hour daily, why am I going through the pain, sadness which has made me so unhappy and miserable?
Worst month ever, January 2014. Guess being at home and working from home really got onto me in a bad way which I am realizing it now and trying to change it. I guess the other reason for all this is even expectation from someone and everyone around me. I have always believed in keeping no expectations from anyone but I think when we love someone dearly, there are times you are bound to have certain expectations relating to anything. There’s a beautiful quote by William Shakespear:
“I always feel happy.
You know why?
Because I don’t expect anything from anyone.
Expectations always hurt!”
Expectations really hurt all the time.
Yesterday, I realized that you cannot just keep expecting from someone all the time. People go through their own sets of issues on daily basis. It’s unfair for me to behave this way and be irrational. I cannot rely my happiness on outward things or people. My happiness resides within me. Since few days I kept thinking I am so unhappy from within, how will I spread happiness. Because of the negativity, my relationships with everyone, my work, my inner peace, my health was getting affected. That’s not who I am. I have always been a fun loving person, full of life, smiling and laughing, full of excitement kind of a person and last month I was exactly the opposite of all this.
Tired of all this, today, I just did a simple thing, stood in front of a mirror and looked into my own eyes with a smile and said, “My happiness is not going to rely on the outside things from now on, nor on how people behave or talk. My happiness resides inside me and I have all the rights to be happy and look after my own happiness. And I won’t have any expectations from anyone or anything and no more self pity.” After doing this there seems to be some kind of miracle, suddenly I felt so much better, I feel light headed and started to feel my old self a bit. I knew all this but guess just had to remind myself. Maybe I was focussing a lot on keeping others happy, somewhere forgetting that there’s one more person who deserves happiness and that’s me. Hope it stays forever! 🙂